Oh, Hindsight, your 20/20 clearity blinds me.

There are times when I wonder if I picked the right major for my college career. I love literature, don't get me wrong, but there are times I wonder if my training as an English major is taking away from the pure joy of the story itself, the reason I ever fell in love with reading in the first place. There is also the question of just what do I WANT to do after I actually leave academia for the "real world." For me this whole college adventure is expensive and while I hear "you can always go back and study something else" that just may not be the case for me. It's taken me this long just to get where I am now, working, borrowing, living on next to nothing just so I can get a degree. I don't think I can do this again with a different focus, I just can't get into any more debt.

The thought crossed my mind as I was reading the introductions of the new teaching assistants on the listserve. We all had to introduce ourselves and talk about our various degrees and what we were trying to earn while here at SIUC. Most of them already have multiple degrees in various subjects from history to sociology, and now are trying for MA's or PhD's. And then there's me.

I was trying to an MFA program, which would leave me with even less of a choice for my future outside of college, but at least it would have been a program I would have enjoyed. Now I'm in this MA program, and I'm not sure if I even LIKE writing the papers and doing the analysis. I know I can, and that it's rare I receive anything less than an A in an English class, but really my heart is more in the story than picking it apart. I like to lose myself in the world, suspend disbelief, and get lost in the characters and what's going on. You can't do that when you write a paper, you have to keep yourself apart so you can find all of the aspects of whatever interpretation you are arguing for or against in the work. I would love to TEACH literature, but I almost don't want to go through all this training. I can SEE enough in the works, and I hate being tied to these wheel ruts of theory and analysis.

Compounding this doubt is the fact that I really loved studying Chinese. I mean really loved it! Learning Chinese was like learning a secret code as a kid. Every translation I did felt amazing! I'd crack the code and understand the message (which was usually something about two made up friends in my textbook and what they ate for lunch or what movie they saw last weekend). It was fun, and almost addictive in a way. I also loved learning about the culture through the language. Now, knowing this, I sometimes ask myself if I should have majored in Chinese studies or TESOL studies and then worked as a translator for some business somewhere or something. China is becoming a huge market and those skills are actually in high demand, I might actually have been able to find a good paying job with that major.

I even liked living in China for those few months. It was an amazing experience and I learn a lot about myself and what I could handle. I also learned how much I LOVE to travel. I love it! Traveling is amazing, especially when you can really get involved in the culture around you.

I don't know. I wonder if I made the right choice here. Not because I don't want to teach, I still do, but because, well, will I be able to teach once I'm out? And will I also have this "what if" feeling when I do?